Jury Doody

Let me pre-empt this story with the fact that I have been getting sicker and sicker with some messed up flu virus that is running rampant throughout the entire northeastern US (that is probably completely false, but everyone at work is sick, ok???) - it started on thursday or friday with a scratchy throat. That progressed to a runny nose. Now I am so congested that it feels as if my upper respiratory tract is constipated. I CANNOT shift this phlegmy mucoid mess, no matter what medication I try. It is infuriating.

I did not sleep 1 single minute last night. I am not exaggerating - I went to bed, laid down, and could not breathe. So I got up and sat on the computer all night, ate breakfast at 4am (my usual cereal, however because of my nasal constipation, I may as well have been eating dried twigs and shrivelled rodent testicles), and got dressed...

...for Jury Duty. Yes, I had to report for Jury Duty today, having had zero sleep in, oh, a day and a half, snot pouring down my face, nostrils reddened from blowing my nose over and over and OVER just trying to get some blessed AIR through my clogged sinuses.......! I did not shave. I did not care. I was hoping someone would take one look at me, and tell me to get the hell out of the courtroom....didn't happen. The following is what walked into the Supreme Court Building this morning (You may wish to avert your eyes...):

You are not imagining things. Yes, that is a white zit at the tip of my nose. I am an absolute frikkin' mess. This photo was not dramatized either: I didn't squint for dramatic effect, I am constantly on the verge of a sneeze and thus my eyes are just shut all the time. My lips are swollen - I don't quite know how to explain that. My facial hair is growing in nicely, I wish I could continue to grow it but the wife has shut that idea down. Notice also, if you will, the rawness of my sub-nostril skin. "Puffs Plus" my ass - might as well have used sandpaper to blow my nose.

So, yeah, I roll into the court building and take a seat. They show us some cheesy video starring Ed Bradley and Diane Sawyer meant to make us excited to spend our day sitting there "participating in the legal system." Um, right. I wouldn't mind it at all if I weren't feeling like a slightly warmed plate of pig vomit, I actually sat on a jury once and enjoyed it. But today? Come on. Give me a break. PLEASE.

I sit in a haze of exhaustion. For hours. Hearing names blared over the sound system. None of which are mine. I brought a book to read - all the letters swam across the page sleepily to form little pictures of rainbows and ponies and machine guns and..."...for those of you whose name has not been called, you are excused until 2pm for lunch. Thank you for your patience." Great, so now I have to go waste some more time in a public place trying to ingest some more food I can't taste. Super duper.

I go to The Source Mall because there is a food court and an Old Navy. I go to Subway and buy some sort of chicken sandwich - may as well have been horse meat for all I knew - I ate around half and threw the rest away. As I sat and tried to take in my surroundings, looking for any way to wake my sorry ass up, I noticed something strange. Every single table around me was full of retarded people. Some with helmets. SERIOUSLY. What the fuck?!? Was I hallucinating? I looked all around me, and I swear I felt like I was in the middle of a Corky Thatcher Convention. It wasn't Downs Syndrome that these folks had though, it was some other disorder...and they all went their separate ways, it wasn't like they were all there together either. So it couldn't have just been some big day trip, they had all come from different places. I was astonished. I then felt the urge to relieve myself.

I got up, went to the bathroom, and again, I couldn't believe what was happening. Every urinal and bathroom stall had a retarded man using it with his pants around his ankles. The stall doors were all open. OPEN. These were not kids, they were men. I had to leave. Now.

So I left. Drove back in a haze to the parking area of the courthouse. Went inside and used their facilities. No retards there. Whew. Not that I have a problem with retards, but enough already. Sat down and resumed "reading." At 2:45pm I vaguely heard my name called over the loudspeaker to go to Room 3. So I went and sat down. Some lady came in and said that they had been waiting for a judge for a criminal trial that we would have been the jury for, but the defendant had accepted a plea bargain and we were free to go. THANK GOD.

I drove home. I don't know how on earth I made it to the courthouse and back, I honestly don't. I kinda fell asleep for a little while when I got home. I ingested some sort of food (still cant taste anything). I called in sick for work tomorrow...OK, I had Angela do it for me because I am a pussy and she loves me. Luckily, the boss is cool with it. I don't blame him. Would you want infected boogers dripping into your pet's surgical site? Didn't think so.

I shall now go take some Nyquil and see if I can induce myself into a coma. Hopefully I don't revisit that bathroom in my dreams. Or nightmares. Whatever. UGH. I HATE BEING SICK.

VIVA CORKY THATCHER!